And I'm back!

Wow. A lot has happened in 2008, so far--and being such the bad blogger that I am, a lot of you know nothing of it.... Oops. It's been mostly terrific though--and transformative. Where I once was fond of remarking on how changed my life had become since a year ago, I now find that the same sentiment is almost more true about the change occurred in the little-over two months of 2008.

I'm not even talking about more coming out milestones--though there have been some--or anything so tangible. But in comparing this bit 2008 to all of 2007: my confidence has grown in equal measure, as well as has the peace that I feel about who I am. When guys would tell me that they got to a point where they didn't wish they were straight anymore, I was disbelieving. And though I suppose I can still imagine wanting to "go straight" if it were offered to me, I don't long for it anymore; and I don't feel depressed anymore that the offer won't ever come because it's impossible. I'm more or less fine with being gay.

OK, so that's kinda how I'm feeling nowadays. Let's talk about some specifics

Best. Reaction. Ever. (or, No. 13)

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In February, I came out to my best friend Paul. You'll remember that I told his brother Ryan as part of my Christmas holiday "Coming Out-a-thon." (Hmmm. I should have gotten pledges for that.... Dammit!) I had wanted to tell Paul for a long time; I really did--for years. In fact, he was one of the first people whom I considered telling; I just knew he'd be OK with the differentness. But I wasn't ready then, and when I became more ready--just in the past year or so--there were other circumstances that made it hard. A lot of those circumstances were trumped-up excuses, to be sure, but there were things that really seemed to make it impossible to tell him.

But anyway, here's how I actually managed it--it wasn't hard since I was told that he already knew, to give the story away a little.

Let's go back to a week before I made it official: Paul, his girlfriend, and her best friend came to LA for a visit--Paul had some work thing to do, and the girls just wanted to get out of Vegas for a couple of days. The Girlfriend's Best Friend was a lot of fun, and we really hit it off... Succinctly, we all had fun--when I moved here from Texas, it was a real comfort to have Paul so relatively close, since he's like a brother to me. I wanted so badly for him to know about me since he was the closest family I had, and each time he'd visit me or I'd visit him, I'd try and work up the nerve... to no avail. But anyway, they came to visit... that's Part A.

Now, the very next week, Paul's parents and brother flew into Vegas. Like I said before, their parents are like second parents to me and my brother--Paul and Ryan are brothers. So of course, I drove up to Sin City to see everyone together. I got there late the Friday after Valentine's, and met up with the family for dinner... Paul and his girlfriend were very tired and decided afterward to go home and rest for the next day, which was disappointing since I had assumed us "kids" were going to stay out all night on the Strip. But oh well. I was staying in the Flamingo with the folks and Ryan, so after dinner we headed there and got settled in. And then Ryan and I decided we'd hit the Strip ourselves.

Well, as soon as we're away from his parents, Ryan starts in:

Ryan: So... have you talked to Paul yet?

Me: No, not yet...

Ryan: OK, well, he kinda figured it out already, and he really wants to talk to you about it...

I stop in my tracks.

Me: How did he figure it out, Ryan??

Ryan: I didn't tell him! No. I didn't tell him anything, he figured it out on his own. I don't know how. But he really wants to talk to you, so you need to pull him aside this weekend.

Me: He just told you he thinks I'm gay?

Ryan: Well, he kinda tricked me into confirming it.

Me: How did he "trick" you?

Ryan then relays a story that's basically similar to that "Seinfeld" episode where Elaine tricks George into confessing that he knew there was a red dot on a cashmere sweater he gifted to her by telling him that Jerry had blabbed, even though Jerry hadn't. Ryan says that Paul confronted him as soon as they had a moment alone and suggested that I had come out to him the week before: "So, JR and I had a talk... And he told me," Paul said, according to Ryan, who then inferred the meaning and let on that he had known for a while. Paul then smiled big and commented that he "knew it" or something like that, basically letting Ryan know that he'd been tricked. I recognized the "Seinfeld" similarity right away, and even interrupted to quote the show:

"I didn't tell him, you idiot, he tricked you!"

That's Ryan's version of the events--Paul's are different, but we'll get to them.

As we walked along the Strip, Ryan assured me that Paul seemed eager to be told--even joyed by the prospect of being let in. He told me how Paul expressed disappointment about not already knowing, and he said his brother wanted me to be able to talk to them about my love life. The two brothers observed how they've freely shared the joy and and agony of their own dating lives with each other, with my brother, with other friends. "I wanna have that with JR, too!," Ryan quoted Paul as saying.

"I'm telling you, he's really excited... he's happy for you and wants to know," the younger brother told a not-disbelieving-but-still-surprised me. He told me that they talked about how their image of the future of our friendship changed in an instant--it wasn't a bad thing, he said, but it was different. I wouldn't be bringing a wife to Sunday barbecues is what they mean, I guess.

I talked more with Ryan about when I knew, how I felt all those years. He listened. Said how badly he felt looking back on times they had tried to set me up with girls--he understands how awkward that must have been, especially the time everyone hovered around us at a picnic. It was a great, cathartic walk. He teasingly asked which guys around us on the Strip I thought were hot, and I told him. He wasn't grossed out, he just seemed to file away these details about his friend.

A couple of times, he'd use words like "choice" and "decision," and I would make sure he knew there was nothing optional about me being gay. He knew that, though; those words just came out as he tried to explain how it didn't matter anyway. He also said something about how he just didn't want me to become some kind of queen, and I made sure he understood that nothing would change about me--I was just as gay five years ago, only he didn't know. And let's not presume that every fem guy is putting on a "gay act."

He brought up again the fact that I waited until the absolute last minute to tell him during my visit to Oklahoma; he didn't understand why.

So the next day, we met Paul and his girlfriend at their apartment... and I was on edge. Even after being told how terrifically Paul was likely to take the "news," I was still apprehensive. I guess it will always feel like a plunge, telling someone. Somehow, I was both avoiding my friend AND trying to find a moment alone with him--I'm sure most of you know how it feels to carry out that impossible-sounding behavior.

I went with Ryan and Paul's Girlfriend to a supermarket and when I got back, Paul asked if I'd like to walk to the 7-Eleven with him for a soda. I became sheepish though, and told him how I already got one at the last store. He smiled weakly and left it at that.

Next was dinner at Paul's Girlfriend's Parent's house. We caravaned over and had a terrific time. At a point, I spied Paul and Ryan out on the back porch talking--conspiring, I imagined. A while later, Ryan found me and reminded me that Paul REALLY wanted to talk to me... He warned me that Paul was thinking of just pulling me aside and asking, so if I wanted to do it on my terms, I better make a move at our next stop: a local bar where a friend's garage band was playing a concert.

The heat was on, I felt. But in the bar, I was still avoiding my friend while hoping the perfect opportunity would just present itself. Whenever he would approach, I'd make sure another person was near so he'd be too uncomfortable to bring it up. I had some gin and hoped it'd loosen my up.

After a while, Paul's Girlfriend's Best Friend showed up and was very happy to see me. Apparently, she thinks I'm great or something. It was her boyfriend's band that was playing, and she brought a gaggle of her friends who were all a bunch of fun, so I chatted with them a while--so as to avoid Paul. But I knew I needed to do it--I kept reminding myself that absolutely nothing seemed to be at risk in telling him. He knew, he was cool with it, he WANTED to be told.

When Paul asked the table if anyone wanted to walk with him to the store across the street for smokes, I took a figurative deep breath and volunteered... Then Ryan volunteered, too. As Paul made his way to the exit, I turned and gently pushed Ryan back:

Me: Why don't you stay here...

Ryan: Why?

Me: (lovingly) So I can talk to your brother, you idiot!!!!

Ryan: Oh!!! Good!

He gives me a thumbs up and I bound nervously after Paul.

As soon as we're out the front door, he throws an arm over my shoulder and flashes an eager, knowing smile.

Paul: So, Jaayyyyyyy....

Me: Ryan already told me that you've figured out I'm gay.

Paul: FINALLY!!!!

He pulls me closer with that one arm and lets out a loud "Thank you!!"

Paul: And you know it doesn't matter to me at all, man. At all. It's who you are, and I love you no matter what. Always.

I told him that I knew that--and that wasn't a lie, but I suppose if it were completely true, he would have known as soon as I did. He made more assurances like that as we got to the store, but I asked him not to talk about it when we were inside. I was still a little embarrassed.

When we got out, I asked him how long ago it was that he had figured it out. He astonished me when he said it was within the last week.

Paul: Now, if I were a smarter man, I would have figured it out a long time ago... but I'm not.

We both laughed about how true that was. I asked what finally did it, and he gave all credit to his Girlfriend's Best Friend.

Apparently, the Best Friend does in fact think I'm super-awesome. So much so, that they were actually talking about me a lot in the days after their visit. And at some point, it came up that I didn't have a girlfriend and the Best Friend simply said something like: "Well yeah, because he's gay, right?" Paul says he and his girlfriend at first told her friend that I wasn't gay, and then they turned to each other and thought about it. "He's gay, you guys," the friend insisted, according to Paul. "Well... maybe?" the Girlfriend asked Paul. "No. He would have told me if he were gay," insisted my best friend.

At some point he gave it up, too. According to Paul, he told Ryan the Best Friend's theory that I'm gay and Ryan told him it was true, and that I had come out to him personally. This version makes A LOT more sense, but Ryan denies it. I told him I wouldn't be upset if it were true, since we are talking about his brother and my best friend, and he didn't exactly go out of his way to out me... but he still denied it. Oh well.

I made sure Paul knew that it was only a few weeks before that I had told his brother--and really, I had told hardly anyone before Christmas. I told him how he really was one of the first people I wanted to know, but it just didn't work out that way. He understood; it bowled me over how much he understood:

Paul: Well, after we kinda figured it out, I felt bad that you didn't tell me was cause I was worried that maybe you felt ashamed of it or something. And I wanted to talk to you so bad, cause I never want you to feel that way about it, man.

That of course made me feel amazing.

He asked if I had anyone special, or if I was dating, and I told him what little there was to tell. He said now that he officially knows, he and his girlfriend might try and set me up with her best friend, who's also gay.

Me: Does he live in LA or in Vegas?

Paul: New York.

Me: ... but I live in LA...

Paul: I know, but you've been to New York, and the next time you go, you guys could get together...

Me: Uh... OK. Sure.

When we got back to the bar, Paul headed straight for Ryan and pulled both of us into a group hug.

Paul: I know now! He told me!!

Wow. He really was happy to be in on it.

So anyway, that's the story. The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful, relative to that night.

12: Hottie Assistant

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About a week before all of that business with Paul, I came out to Hottie Assistant. It was totally unplanned, though--as with so many other people--I had long been anticipating it. It was a Friday night, and a girl who used to work on another project down the hall from us wanted to get together for a drink.

(A little background drama: She and Hottie had hooked up like two weeks before this, with Hottie regretting it and her pouring her heart out to me over instant messenger.)

Anyway, we all decided to meet at this place down the street from the office that has great mojitos--the same place my boss had taken Hottie and me last summer or fall, whenever it was. Over the drinks, The Girl asked what the Head of Our Project is like. I talked about how nice he is, how relatively young he is, and how we both went to the same school and therefore he likes me a lot. Heh. Hottie added that he was a millionaire--on account of the success of the project--which I initially doubted, but both of them were convinced that he must be. So... I joked that if that's the case, I should try and seduce him.

Well, the girl got wide-eyed and exclaimed with a great degree of shock: "J.R.!" Of course, I'm thinking she's feigning shock at how greedy I am; the joke being that I'd do anything for money; including seducing someone I wouldn't be otherwise attracted to. This is the kind of joke I'd make about a rich woman, or that my straight guy friends have made about rich men. But that wasn't what her shock was about.

Girl: Are you gay?

I hesitated only a moment before confirming to her--and Hottie next to her--that I was. It was only second's hesitation, but I took myself through the whole argument for telling the truth.. I had never claimed to either of them that I was straight, like I had with older friends... So it made little sense to lie now and have to backtrack later, especially since I was coming out to those closer friends already.

The Girl: "Oh... I didn't know that... Wow. I had no idea, honestly."

She went on for a bit about her surprise, which was kind of awkward in the middle of the restaurant. Thankfully, it was pretty dim at the bar, so my two friends probably could tell how blushed I was :)

Hottie sat on the other side of her, looking like he was trying not to have a reaction. I think he did that for my benefit, because her reaction was so big and he maybe could tell it was making me uncomfortable; or he just assumed. Even if he wasn't surprised, the moment of being told has got to be a little noteworthy and I could tell he was processing it in some fashion.

When she got up to go to the bathroom, he leaned across her empty stool..........

......... and gave me an update on their post-hook-up situation. Heh. Guess that was still the most interesting topic on the table.

After we drank, The Girl came over to my place to watch a movie. She apologized for asking what she asked, or for the way she asked it. She told me again that she had no idea, and more or less said that the only reason she asked if I was gay was because she thought I was straight. Heh. What's up with that?? Clearly, she must have had SOME idea... But anyway, I told her it was perfectly fine, and that I didn't care that she or Hottie knows... and that was the truth.

---

So there's an update. There's a lot more to talk about, but I figured I better at least post this much before attempting to write out the rest. But let me just say that dating boys is fun!

When I went home for the holidays, I really hoped I'd be able to tell some of the people I love that I am gay—so I did.

4: Ryan

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I don't think I've mentioned Ryan on the blog before, but I have talked about his brother Paul. I've known them for more than 16 years, both my brother and I. We were a real foursome, actually, and I think of both of them as brothers. I get Christmas and birthday presents from their parents every year, and likewise my folks get for them. They're part of the family, is what I'm getting at.

So for every reason my brother and sisters had to suspect I'm gay, Ryan and Paul as well must have suspected. In fact, knowing my brother had found gay porn somewhere—or had been told about it—I can be certain that my two buddies were told. It doesn't make sense if they never were.

Anyway, like I was saying, we grew up together—were best friends, were brothers. In our young years, we spent nearly every day together: traipsing through the woods on "missions" we made up for the vigilante crime-fighting team we formed, watching horror movies in secret cause their parents didn't approve (mine were cooler about it), and every summer in the pool. As we got older and found our own interests, we spent more time with other friends but didn't grow apart a single inch—major events and holidays were shared. Dreams and ambitions were shared. Disappointments and successes. Everything was shared... except the thing I kept to myself.

But like I said, they probably have known.

But anyway, the holidays came and I had to see all my brothers. Paul lives in Las Vegas, so I drove there for Thanksgiving—you should always be with family then—and ate the meal with his girlfriend and her folks and their friends. No, I didn't tell him, and didn't expect to. He's on the verge of something and it's taking all of his time and energy, so I just enjoyed the visit and his excitement about this big thing.

When I set out for two weeks in Texas, I made sure to block off a couple of days so that I could drive up to Oklahoma City, where Ryan now lives. Of the four of us, Ryan and I share the most common interests, and also have precisely-synced senses of humor—60 percent of any conversation we have will be made-up bullshit we think would be funny if true. So I drove up there the Thursday after Christmas; got there late and he and his girlfriend took me to some pita joint just off the University of Oklahoma campus (Boo!) for some food.

Ryan is the youngest of the four of us, and already has this girl he thinks he might marry. I used to resent it when my friends would bring their girlfriends along whenever we'd hang out—used to have arguments (for myself) why it mattered, but it mostly was jealousy. I don't care anymore, I was actually glad to her as well, and glad to witness their happiness. It snowed.

The next day, we got up early so that Ryan could head to his grandparents and install a wireless router for them (they've never even owned a computer, cut some slack!) Grandma pulled up just after us with the fresh pizza she was craving for breakfast—I love that. It was the most random fucking table I've ever seen: chocolate mini-donuts, fried eggs, pan-fried toast, the pizza and orange juice or soda... at 9:30 a.m. Heh. I admired it, even if I didn't have a taste for it—these old timers do whatever the fuck they want! HA.

We had to stop next door and say hello to his aunt too, but he warned me that she was very conservative and evangelical. She might grill me about my relationship with Christ or my lifestyle—she had gotten onto him about his premarital sex last week. Among other things, she doesn't approve of homosexuality, he threw in with an eye roll. She was very nice and behaved.

Afterward, we got some lunch and did some shopping—nothing in particular, just him showing me the town: where he works, goes to school, etc. Talked all about where his life was going, and how he and his girl were planning to move in together in a few months and if that went well, a possible engagement in the fall. Of course, this led to:

Ryan: So... any relationship potential in Cali? Met any girls that you're interested in out there yet?

JR: Nope. Nothing on the horizon...

I thought about saying something then, but I had another day and a half of the trip and didn't want to "spoil" them. Ugh. I knew he had to suspect same as my siblings, and I know he's accepting—he went to see "Brokeback Mountain" with me—but it was scary all the same. Besides, I wasn't just worried about the chance he wouldn't accept me—I was worried that he'd be upset that I never confided in him before. I changed the subject. His girlfriend came over with a pal of hers that night, and we all stayed in and watched a movie ("Peaceful Warrior"—hot boys, included!)

Ryan had to work the next day, so I had the morning and afternoon to myself and went back to the OU campus. I love walk aimlessly through a college—they're made for walking and there's always something interesting to pass by. And as much as OU sucks and all, they have a beautiful campus! Heh.

It was cold and got dark early that day. As I walked, I thought about my situation... about how I wanted to be happier and how I needed to come out in order to do that. I remembered that my boss's friend Jeremy went to school here and I wondered if he was out in those days, and if he was how much fun it must have been. Or maybe the school is very conservative and it would have been too much to handle. I hoped to myself that he was out and that it was great. I imagined places I passed could have hosted romantic rendezvous for a pair of cute boys. I thought about my own experience in college—a liberal school in an ultra-liberal city, and yet I was too scared to be myself. Best years of my life, but how much better if I had just been honest.

I thought about how one of my best friends is going to get off of work in a couple of hours, and how I could tell him if I wanted to. I was leaving the next morning and it would be the last chance to do it face-to-face for a while. I thought about the fact that I was scared... but I reminded myself of all the things that have shown me he won't care. The question about whether he'll be upset that I didn't confide in him last time I saw him—or five years ago, or 10 years ago—that was unimportant, I told myself. "Don't worry about that, just worry about telling him," I said out loud, in the middle of the empty campus. "You're going to tell him eventually, and he'll either be hurt about that detail or he won't be—but he's going to be told, so tell him."

I cried thinking about all these things.

Eventually came the time when my friend would be back at his house waiting for me, so I collected those thoughts and tried to steel myself. When I got there, he had made plans for us to head over his buddy's house—the "Oklahoma JR" he says, cause we're so similar. We were going to have some drinks, watch a movie, play some video games. It was me and Ryan with Oklahoma JR, his girlfriend and another of their buddies. I had a nice stiff drink to loosen up and tried to enjoy the fun, all the while thinking I'd try to fess up once we left.

Oklahoma JR lives just a couple blocks from where Ryan lives, so to buy more time before we headed home, I suggested getting ice cream. Ryan balked a little, since it was midnight and freezing outside, but nevertheless obliged. I hoped we'd find a place where we could go in and sit, but being Oklahoma—or my friend being tired and lazy—everything we found was closed. He whipped into a 7-Eleven so I could get a pint of Blue Bell. My stomach was too unsettled to eat anything but I had to get something or look like an idiot, so I did and we were back at his house in no time. I told him we needed to wake up and go out for breakfast on my last day, and he agreed. I told myself I'd do it at breakfast! Bedtime.

Like we promised ourselves, we got up and went out to search for a good breakfast place... but a lot of them were closed. Being a Sunday, a lot of people would be at church, he said... we eventually found a place and ordered. Again, my stomach was too upset to handle food—never plan to come out over a meal, I should have learned by then. It must have seemed silly, me asking to go out for all this food I wasn't eating.

I didn't come out over breakfast. So I said we should go to the mall to kill time before I had to leave—Oh, I was going to meet up with Benji around noon, which is why I was filling time. (The few HOT Oklahoma boys all work in this Mall, btw.) Oh, and also, Ryan is suppose to meet his mom at the grandparent's place cause they can't figure out how to use their new computer—but his mom is gonna head over early and asks us to come home so she can say goodbye to me. I'm happy to come say goodbye, but was getting frustrated by my timidness and the fact that all of those potential moments were going to be lost by going home.

We did, I said goodbye and his mom left. His dad, who works crazy random hours, was asleep in the back of the house but came in to say goodbye as well. Then waited around the house until it was time for me to go... I tried to psych myself into coming out. Ryan wanted to switch cell phones with me cause I hated my phone and it's the exact phone he had wanted originally but couldn't get a deal on. I told him it was a piece of shit and I couldn't hear very well, but he wanted to trade anyway. So we did. I was happy for the busywork.

Soon it was time to go, and Ryan followed me out to the car where I loaded my bag. He gave me a great big hug and told me it was great to see me, and thanked me for making trip. He was fiddling with his new phone and thanked me for the trade, too. It was all my pleasure, I said.

"Have a safe trip back," he said.
"Thanks."

And I turned around and took my keys out of my pocket, but then stopped. I could feel something coming up from my gut.

JR: I wanted to tell you something else while I was here.

Ryan: OK.

I turned around to face him but he was looking down at the phone, messing with the buttons. "I'm listening," he assured me. I hesitated but that thing from my gut was almost all the way up.

JR: I wanted to tell you that I'm gay.

Ryan continued with the phone.

JR: Did you hear me?

Ryan: (looking up) Yeah. That's great.

JR: OK... I guess it's great.

Ryan: Well, whatever. It doesn't matter to me.

JR: Did you know?

Ryan: No, I didn't... I mean, I thought it was possible...

JR: Cause I've never had a girlfriend...

Ryan: Right... my dad actually asked me if you were after you left the last time

JR: What did you tell him?

Ryan: That I didn't think so, but wasn't sure...

JR: Why did he think I was?

Ryan: For that reason—he's known you since we were kids and you've never had a girlfriend or anything... We weren't sure, cause you don't come off in any certain way(—he read my mind, as silly as that fear is—)... I don't think cares, he just asked.

I thought about how my own parents must wonder in the same way.

JR: Well... I haven't told a lot of people—I haven't told Paul or [my brother] yet...

Ryan: I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to.

JR: OK.

Ryan: What about [his girlfriend]? She won't care—you know her brother's gay. She has a lot of respect for gay people... You'll get a lot of points actually. I mean, she already thinks you're awesome...

JR: What part of "don't tell anyone" confuses you? (We both laugh) What if she slips to your parents?

Ryan: She doesn't talk to my parents about you!

He made me see how silly my paranoia was, and I agreed that it didn't matter if he told her.

Ryan: Why did you wait until now to tell me?

JR: (Gulp) Well... I really only just accepted it for myself the last couple of years, and then only this year decided to tell people. I'm sorry.

Ryan: No, why did you wait until right now?

He indicats this exact moment with a gesture of his hands and looks at me like I'm ridiculous.

Ryan: You've been here all weekend.

JR: Oh... I dunno. I was nervous.

Ryan: OK... well, it doesn't matter to me, man. I love you no matter what. You're gay, that's awesome.

JR: It's actually been pretty frightening for me.

Ryan: Of course... but it's fine...

And then:

Ryan: You know, I can find a man attractive, too... I mean, I'm not going to hook up with one, but you know... I don't have a problem admitting a guy's handsome... Like, you're a handsome guy. See?

JR: Not the same thing, but thanks for the effort!

That was about it before I left, very relieved and feeling accomplished. Met up with Benji—who is adorable—and talked all about, and all about other stuff. That kid's gonna break hearts. Serious.

I hit the road—Destination: Austin, Texas.

5: David—I know, right!?

---

I got to Austin late in the evening, and found my way to my little sister's apartment, exhausted. Her husband made some dinner for all of us, and we watched a movie and crashed-out soon thereafter.

The next morning, I called David up to see about meeting up for lunch with my sister and me at the restaurant my brother-in-law manages. It was New Year's Eve, and I originally planned
that David and I would probably celebrate together on 6th Street with my sister, her husband, David's girlfriend and anyone else. I planned that I'd pull him away from the group at some point—after I'd had some drinks—and I'd tell him. However, his girlfriend got invited to a friend's party and he was obliged to go with her—neither of them were looking forward to it, because it was sure to be a far more dour experience than the street party, but they felt roped in.

I was disappointed because I was leaving the next morning, and didn't know when I'd be able to get David alone to tell him what I had wanted to tell him so many times before. I was also sad I wouldn't be with my buddy at the dawn of the new year, regardless of any other reasons. But those were the cards. He agreed to lunch, and my sister and I met him and his girlfriend there at 1:30 p.m.

He brought me Christmas presents: a wallet to replace the one I lost on Labor Day, and "X-Files: Season 9"—completing my collection of what is both our all-time favorite show. I gave him "Friday Night Lights: Season 1"—my favorite current series, and possibly my second favorite all-time. We caught up—my sister and his girlfriend got along pretty good, and they made plans for girls nights out, since my sister was new to the city.

After a while, we realized all our parking meters were probably expired, so David and I out to refill them. Was this the only moment we'd get alone, I thought to myself as we walked from car to car. Was I suppose to come out at a parking meter, and then we'd rejoin the girls and finish lunch. What if it became awkward? No way was I risking it—but I told my friend we should get breakfast in the morning, because it would be shame to only see each other this little bit—what was that lesson I was suppose to have learned about not planning to come out over meals?? (Note: I was able to stomach this lunch, cause I really didn't think I was going to find a moment to tell time...)

As lunch wrapped up, David and his girlfriend talked about having to run errands ahead of the party tonight. My sister was also heading out for errands, but I planned to head over to the Spider House, a coffee shop hangout from college days. David convinced his girlfriend that they should come, too... and we followed each other in our cars to the coffee shop. I got out of my car and met them as they were getting out of theirs, and the first thing his girlfriend does is tell us to catch up while she walks to the farmer's co-op to return something.

The nerves start shooting off—this is the moment! It must be. She walks off, and we head up to the coffee house door and find it locked. "Closed for New Years Party." FUCK. David starts naming other coffee places, but I didn't really want coffee or anything—I wanted to visit an old stomping ground. We figure we'll head to the farmer's co-op to catch up with his girlfriend and use the restroom... As we walk, I worry again about the timing—was there enough time to come out before we caught up with her? Wouldn't that be weird and awkward if I said something and then she appears and we have to pretend nothing's changed.

Does anything change??

I let yet another chance with David flutter away and burn up in the Sun. His girlfriend is back with us in no time, and she starts thinking of coffee places we can go to. Again, I don't so much want the coffee—I don't even drink coffee!—I just wanted to go to Spider House, but it's closed. Still, we're all together, so we start walking the drag along campus... and because they keep forgetting that I don't actually want coffee, the remember the Starbucks off 24th Street, and steer us that way.

We pass a trendy thrift store on the way, and his girlfriend tells us to continue on without her. She doesn't want coffee, anyway. Neither do I! But I couldn't help but be impressed by God or The Universe, giving me another chance. We continued to walk, and David complained (light-heartedly, but with some concern) about how she's always shopping even though she doesn't have any money.

When we were alone the first time, I asked David what his New Year's resolution was and he said he wasn't sure but that it probably should have to do with getting into better shape. I thought about how maybe I could come out when he asked me what my resolution was, but he asked me after his girlfriend had rejoined us and I pretended not to hear him. Since he never got an answer, he asked again when we were back to being alone.

I chickened out initially—said I hadn't formalized anything. A minute later, we rounded the corner onto 24th Street and the approached the Starbucks. That thing in my gut was coming back up, and I knew there was a good chance I was about to do it. The street around us was empty, and who knew how busy that coffee house might be... so I took a breath, and let that thing from my gut spill out.

JR: I actually have something I've been wanting to tell you for a while...

He just looked at me blankly, listening.

JR: You've probably figured it out already, but I wanted to tell you that I'm gay...

That blank look wasn't replaced with anything at all.

JR: Did you already know that?

David: No...

JR: Well, I just thought you should know, cause you're my best friend...

David: OK.

I studied his reaction, and I think he could see that.

David: It's fine.

He gave me a weak smile and shook his head a little, as if to say "You should have known it would be fine."

JR: OK... well, I just wanted you to know is all.

By then, we had reached the coffee shop door, and I could hear him start a question so I cut him off and ask if he's going to order anything, and tell him it's on me. I wasn't sure if the place would be busy, and I didn't want to talk about it around other people. We order our drinks and head out to the deck, which is empty.

He gets a phone call as we sit down and I can tell it's his girlfriend. I ask if she's on her way, but he says she's heading to another store and isn't going to join us at all—we'll just meet up with her when we're done. I start some bullshit small talk topic, but after a minute he goes for the real story. He asks how long I've known I was gay and what made me finally decide to come out. I tell him about how I admitted in college, but when I look back at high school I now see that I clearly was attracted to certain boys, all while telling myself I had a crush on a certain girl. I tell him about how I haven't been happy, and that's why I'm coming out. I tell him about Pismo and ask if he noticed what a wreck I was. He said he could tell something was up, but only vaguely.

He asks if I'm seeing anyone, and I kinda tell him about the boys I'm interested in, but fumble through it. I admit it's a little embarrassing to me and he tells me not to be embarrassed—"There are so many gay people now, it's just another normal relationship," he says. He tells me about the gay people he knows in other social circles, and about one particular lesbian couple who have the best relationship he knows of.

He tells me that his girlfriend might have an idea that I'm gay.

JR: Why do you say that?

David: Cause she asked me once.

JR: She did!?

David: Yeah.

JR: But you didn't suspect??

David: It never occurred to me... it didn't matter.

He said she is more intuitive than most people, but also likened her asking if someone was gay to asking someone what their college major is—it's a mentality. She was asking her boyfriend what his best friend is like, is the thing.

Labels: coming out

So our boy Kelly and I hit up The Abbey on Friday. If you can believe it, he'd never been to a gay bar, and so as a veteran—with fully one visit under my belt—it was my duty to usher him in. Heh. We walked there from my place, which is almost two miles; I'll pretty much walk anywhere that's reasonable, and Kelly was game. The Abbey wasn't our first choice, but when we happened up to the place that was, the crowd looked a little thin, so we hoofed it the extra two blocks—and boy am I ever glad!

This place isn't super busy either, I guess lots of people have skipped town for the holiday already, but it's a good mix—old, young, hot, not. We right away order some drinks from a HOT bartender—two tall 7 and 7s, which the guy made STRONG—and head out to the patio where we find a spot on the upper-section, along the barrier that frames the booths. It was a great vantage: allowed us to see all around the patio and into the connecting rooms. None of that made a difference after about a minute, though, cause I notice The Cutest Boy in the Place is standing right on the other side of L-shaped barrier from where Kelly and I are, maybe three feet away.

I point him out to Kelly and he agrees with me that the kid is FINE. He's talking to some other nearly-equally-hot boy, though—not that it mattered, cause I didn't have the balls to even think about approaching a kid that cute. No, I just sat back and admired from behind the safety of the half-wall... Sorry if I wasn't paying attention to anything you were saying at that point Kelly—something about being gay?? I dunno. Ha. Well, those two walked away after a while and Kelly and I decided to make our own migration.

Into the next room we go, which is a lot more sparse of men, although there are several hotties passing through and there are two super-hot bartenders slinging the booze. Kelly and I joke that they're probably straight, but that didn't make them any less fun to look at. After maybe 20 minutes in here, I see The Cutest Boy in the Place and his buddy enter from across the room and order drinks from the fine bartenders. As the buddy looks to be paying, The Cutest Boy in the Place turns around and scans the room... it looks like he sorta half-pauses on Kelly and me, probably cause we're two of the only guys in this particular area. Ha ha. I didn't feel like he was checking me out at all. Then they get their drinks and cross the room back to the patio area... and as they make their way, The Cutest Boy in the Place turns and looks at me. Twice.

Impossible.

JR: Did he just check me out?

Kelly: Yeah, he did.

No friggin' way! I maneuver for a peek outside to the patio, but they're standing behind the doorway such that all I can ever make out is his buddy's shoulder. I get back to my conversation with Kelly—something about boys being hot—and kinda forget about the notion. Maybe 30 min later—Kelly, help me out with the timetable if I'm wrong—I'm in the middle of saying something when out of the corner of my eye I see a figure approaching.

It's The Cutest Boy in the Place. He walks right up to me and throws his hand out, "Jake." I take his hand and I can feel a small ball of paper on my fingertips. "JR." He turns and introduces himself to Kelly, and then back to me.

Jake: You just seemed...

"Interesting?" "Cool?" "Cute?" Ha. He doesn't seem to know how to finish the sentence, and I don't remember what I said or if I said anything right there. He then mentioned seeing me watching the bar earlier.

Jake: I dunno, maybe you're just looking for drunk guys to have sex with.

JR: Yup!... I'm kidding, I swear.

He smiles at me, but then starts getting dragged away by his buddy! Fucking cock-blocker!! Ha. I actually didn't see the buddy, I was too zoned into my little non-conversation with Jake, but Kelly says that's what happened. Buddy came and pulled him away and the two disappeared.

I take out the little ball of paper and unravel it. Phone number. Ha. I think I say "Holy shit" about five times, and declare that I must be "fucking hot" if a boy like that is interested—I didn't even have to talk to him before he offered the digits, either. Heh. Kelly's excited because it's scribbled onto a torn scrap of an Abbey receipt—he says this means the kid wasn't passing his number around to the whole bar... I'm special, you see. As many of you fellas know, I don't have a lot of confidence about my looks since I've never really been appreciated by my target audience—every crush I've had until recently has been a straight boy who'd never look at me in that light—I've never thought I was ugly but hey, if boys like Jake keep slipping me numbers, I'm gonna have a massive ol' ego in no time (I was going to put an exclamation point here, but it's probably a sad truth and nothing to look forward to. Ha!)

What gives with his buddy? Kelly and I suppose maybe they were leaving the bar and Jake held them up to run me his digits, based on the fact that he gave me the paper first thing before even talking to me. Sigh.

So the rest of the night was pretty anti-climactic after that, but I'll take you through the motions. Uh... Kelly and I took a tour around the bar a couple of times. The first time, we passed this group of cute latin guys and I locked eyes with one. He followed me with his head as we rounded the corner they were standing in and gave me a smile just before we darted into the next room. Probably could have talked to him, but I didn't want to be unfaithful to Jake—HAHAHA. Seriously though, I probably need just a little bit longer before I'm brave enough to make the approach myself (Boy, Jake was sure smooth...) Maybe on the next visit.

Meanwhile, Kelly admits that he isn't even trying to make eye contact with anyone. Boy, you gotta make an effort—come on! Ha. Course, on my first visit to a gay bar, I was too shy to look anyone in the eye, either! Bet Kelly gets some on his next trip! Uh... Oh, on our second tour around the joint, we're passing through this sea of dudes and I'm kinda scanning ahead of me looking for anyone cute. My gaze passes over this older black guy, and I can see him notice me "looking" so I avert my eyes, cause I don't want this guy thinking I'm into him. Well, when we pass by him, he grabs my arm at the bicep and spins me around next him and throws his arm around me.

Him: Hi

Me: Uh... hello.

Then, he moves right in for a kiss but I turn my head so all he gets is cheek. To his credit, he understand and takes his arm from around me.

Him: Bye.

Me: It was nice to meet me you.

And off I go. What the fuck? Haha. Seemed like out of place behavior in this relatively low-key gay bar, and in fact Kelly and I saw him and his buddy being escorted out a little bit later. Hah.

Kelly gets me a mojito, and I suck it down and start BUZZING. Ha. I've mentioned before that I've never been drunk in my life—was always afraid I'd out myself (probably would have been a good thing, actually!)—and this was probably the closest I've ever come. Two drinks. Yeah, I'm a lightweight, but you know what? The drinks were strong and Jake passing me his number was at least worth another two or three!!

At about 1:30, we decide it's time to leave. As we made our way out the door, I patted every stranger on the back and told them what a "good job" they were doing. Why? Because people need positive reinforcement. The walk home was both exilharating and excruciating: I had a hot boy's phone number, but also had to piss the Rio Grande. Two miles. Ha.

Anyway, we got home fine—Kelly crashed on my couch and drove home the next morning, stop worrying—and I got a great night's sleep!! Ha. Called Jake on Sunday and got voicemail. Waiting for him to call back is killing me—not that I expected a return call on Christmas, but still! Sigh.

Anyway, thought I'd mention it.

Another thing from last week

---

I sent Les a friend request through MySpace on Tuesday—he's the friend of my boss's who told Boss he thought I was cute. Maybe 10 minutes after I sent the request, it was accepted and I had a comment. Something about how he'll kick my butt at "Guitar Hero" (which he played with my boss in our office. We also had "Rock Band" at the Christmas party.) I play it cool and don't comment back until the next day, about how I don't even play "Guitar Hero" but that I was awesome at singing in "Rock Band" at the party, which he missed cause he left. A half-hour later, he re-comments. This time, bragging that the party probably died when he left.

Again, I wait a day and then tell him he doesn't get credit for ending the party and I call him a "bastard" in all caps for even suggesting it. Heh. That afternoon, Boss sends me out to get ice cream for everyone in the office, since it's our last day before the holidays. When I come back, Boss is sitting in the office with Hottie Assistant and our department's supervisor, ready to watch a movie together. I hand boss his ice cream, and he says:

"Dude. Les wants to make out with you. He's already texted me twice about it."

I'm a little caught off guard with all three of them in the room like that, but I do nothing to deny that I'd let it happen. All I say is, "Oh yeah? Hmmm," and smile to myself and then pass out the rest of the ice cream. All during the movie I'm planning how I can use this information to get my boss to figure out I'm gay, segue into a coming out. I figure when we leave that night, I'll ask my boss what exactly it was that Les had texted—he'll probably tease/ask me about my interest... Tell me he can hook me up (even if he'll say it as a joke, while actually meaning it)... I dunno, the scenario is all so perfect in my mind.

However, when we leave for the night, the whole office wants to leave as a group, which we never do. Just because we're going on a break we have to leave together?? On top of that, I had baked this Amish oatmeal dish for the gang that morning, and when I stop to get the pan my boss jokes, "You know how I know you're gay?" "Huh?" "Cause you made that for us today, har har har." Fucking asshole! Ha. Not saying "Oh, I was SO gonna come out until that happened... It was a certainty," but the comment still threw me off. I just shrugged at him, and again didn't do anything to suggest I'm not gay. Still, didn't want to say anything and make coming out into a comeback. Guess saying, "very perceptive of you" would have straddled the line just enough, but I didn't think of that until I got home.

I thought about how nicely-timed coming out would be if it were right before a holiday—that way, we go our separate ways for two weeks and it becomes "old news." So I ask him if wants to see "I Am Legend" with me the next day, figuring we'll probably get lunch and I can bring up the text messages—or if he really suspects I'm gay, he might bring them up trying to get me to bite. Of course, when he calls me the next morning, I found out he's bringing a girl he's seeing and another friend of his—a straight dude. Boo! So, didn't come out to the boss...

Really curious about what Les had texted him—I'm figuring his gaydar is pinging and he might be asking my boss about me...

Since you're asking...

---

I never saw Hall of Famer Andy again, O he of the First Kiss. Sorry to disappoint you fellas, but like I said in that first post, I wasn't really into him to begin with... I did call him about a week after the kiss to "touch base" and see about hanging out again. He was game, I suspect thinking it might be another date situation. With Thanksgiving that next week, we didn't firm anything up and I just waited for him to call me, and he didn't. I didn't want to be the one to call him again since that might lead him on. Maybe he thought the same thing in deciding not to call me back. Ha.

Yeah, I fucked up the whole next-post-by-Wednesday thing. Sorry, sorry. Nevertheless, however, here I am with new copy and it hasn't even been a month since the last post... that, kids, is progress. So gimme a hand! Lower... lower...

Fellas, check it out:

It's Saturday afternoon, we're at the Farmer's Market, Los Angeles. The Sun is shining, the wind is breezing, the crowds are patient and civilized. If I can say so myself, my hair was lookin' real good; and just so I don't have to say it myself, my roomie tells me I look hot in some old shirt I'm wearing. I'm feeling good, is what I'm saying.

The two of us are gonna hit up the Apple Store in The Grove in a bit so she can find a sweet bag for her new MacBook Pro, but since it's after lunch and neither of us have eaten, we're trolling the Farmer's Market for some grub. It's like a food court only homegrown, you know? No franchises or anything, but a ton of variety. Roomie knows just what she wants -- barbecue from one guy, fixins from another -- so I follow her around while trying to decide on something for myself.

I see something that looks good -- a cute boy sporting a Texas Longhorns ballcap! Sweet. I point him out to Roomie, emphasising the ballcap, not his latino-swimmers-body cuteness, and she laughs because she thinks my school pride is very funny. Whatever, jealous bitch. I'm tempted to flash him the "Hook 'Em Horns," but he moves across the market too fast and is gone. Then behind me I see an even cuter boy -- a HOT BOY, getting ice cream. Blond hair, green eyes, perfect skin, lean build... wearing a white T-shirt and jeans with some green flip-flops. I step up to the ice cream counter and pretend I'm really checking out the menu... When he orders his root beer float, I detect a vague gayness, and that possibility makes it all the harder to focus on finding something to eat.

When my roommate's got her fixins, she announces that she's headed back to the barbecue guy for the main course and will find a table near there -- I'm to find what I want to eat and meet her. OK, but I'm not sure this guy's going to fit on a plate. Heh.

I round a corner and see the crepes place I wanted to try the last time and immediately decide today's the day. The line is wrapped all the way around their booth, and when I find the end of it, I'm surprised to see Longhorn Boy and Ice Cream Boy sitting together -- they're friends, what a beautiful coincidence. Since the line put me less than three feet from their table, I pipe up:

Me: Nice cap!

Longhorn Boy: Oh! Thanks, man.

Me: Are y'all both from Texas? UT?

Longhorn Boy: Yeah.

Ice Cream Boy: Are you?

Me: Yep. I'm JR.

(Round of handshakes)

Longhorn Boy: Andy.

Ice Cream Boy: Brad.

Just as the conversation starts to move, so does the line for crepes. I bid the cute boys a reluctant farewell and step up to the counter. Before I know it though, Andy is next to me.

Andy: I decided to wait up here for my food, thinking maybe it'll be ready faster.

Me: Oh yeah, light a fire under them. They're already getting nervous seeing you stand here, man.

Me as the Cook: "Sammy, we better get a move on, that weird kid is staring... Cook faster, you damned, dirty crepe."

Andy: (laughs) OK, maybe it's not the best plan.

We talk about how we've all only been in LA less than a year, and how we all had the same major back at Texas. They're both 22, and just graduating -- Brad is sitting back at their table, but Andy shares all of this about him. After we talk a while, Andy spies his food:

Andy: Well, we'll be sitting over here...

It was a clear invitation, but I was here with Roomie and needed to meet up with her. I thought of how I might get this to go a little further -- writing my number or e-mail on a slip of paper came to mind, but I wasn't sure how I'd offer it. When my food is ready, I pace around for a second before deciding to just drop by their table and see where it goes.

Me: Hey guys, I'd love to join you but I actually have to go meet up with a friend.

Andy: Well, what are you doing later tonight?

Me: Uh... nothing. Why, what's going on?

Andy: Well, it's daylight savings, so there's an extra hour to drink... we're gonna take advantage.

Me: (laughs) That's right... well, do you guys wanna exchange numbers and meet up later?

They did. Andy pulls out his phone, I give him my number and he calls my cell so I'd have his.

Feeling very proud of myself (yeah, Andy made the big moves, but I didn't shirk away from the follow-up), I march through the Farmer's Market to find my Roomie. Always one to flirt with coming out, I announce that I bumped into the Longhorns and got their digits -- we might go out drinking later. She thinks it's cool that I made friends so quickly.

Anyway, blah blah blah, Roomie and I eat, go to the Apple Store and go home. (Oh, Dylan McDermott, Jr's store is at The Grove and once again, he wasn't around. Dammit! I really wanna another shot at that kid.)

When we're back home, Roomie packs up immediately and heads to some rad event she didn't even invite me to, but I don't care so much at that point cause I'm hoping the Longhorns will call. When 9:30 rolls around, they still haven't so I take a deep breath and decide to make it happen myself. I'm not sure they're even gay, but figure straight boys don't exchange numbers so readily, so... might as well take the shot, right? I give Andy a call and he's still down for hanging out.

Me: Where are guys gonna head to?

Andy: We were thinking about [Gay Bar]

Me: (no beats missed) Cool.

OK, so they're probably gay. Haha. I'm freaking out a little bit, cause I've never set foot in a gay bar before, but I don't wanna show it. Also, I was kinda hoping an opportunity like this might come along and rouse me -- see, I don't have to go alone, but I'm still somewhat anonymous, you know? I get ready and about an hour later, Andy is arrived. Brad, he tells me, is out for "game night" with some other friends, but is suppose to call us when he's done -- Andy doesn't think he'll call, though. Just the two of us... hmmm.

We get to the bar, and find a place in line with a few people Andy knows -- two older women and a guy about our age, really talkative. By coincidence, another group of Texas boys stands just in front of us, one of them is pretty cute, too. As soon as we're inside, the whole groups dismantles and it's just me and Andy. He buys me a beer. Smile. He doesn't want to find his friends, either, because he says the guy tends to monopolize the conversation and he wants to be able to talk to me. Hmmm. Is this a date?

We find a nice spot and chat for a good long while -- both of us are huge movie buffs, so that topic gets a couple of spins; how Austin is all awesome gets a go; how we already miss school is in there, too. He mentions how some gay club in Austin just closed before he graduated: "I don't know if you hung out there or not, but it's gone." Boy doesn't realize how much of a virgin I am.

Andy: Brad thought you were totally straight, he told me not to bother you.

Me: Oh, he did?

Andy: Yeah. I thought probably, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to you, right? You never know in LA, it seems anyone can be gay. I mean, when you're picking up guys at the Farmer's Market...(laughs)

Andy looks to be feeling pretty pleased with himself, proving Brad wrong. I'm also pleased to learn -- and maybe this shouldn't be so true -- that I had them fooled, one of them completely. I mean, I'm glad I'm not so obvious, but the catch is that... well, don't I want some guys to be able to tell (i.e. Brad and Co.).

Wait, "picking up guys" -- this is some kind of date!! I'm not prepared for this. I thought it was going to be hanging out with cute gay boys in a group, and now I'm thrust into some one-on-one action! Andy tells me how his crepes waited for him on the counter for five minutes before he bothered to get them, wanting to chat me up instead. Oh man. This is so... unexpected.

After about 1:30, he asks if I wanna go grab some food -- neither of us had eaten since the crepes, so we head to a 24-hour diner. On the walk over there, he gives me his jacket since it's cold and I'm wearing only a T-shirt while he's got a long-sleeved thermal on. We're walking and he's rubbing his hand down my back a little and looking at me with a very flirty grin. Again, I can't believe any of it. We're in West Hollywood and there are gay couples everywhere, so I don't feel scared at all, just a little weird and shocked. I say something self-depreciating and he laughs and gives me some mock-comfort, which includes reaching his hand my (his) jacket pocket to grab mine. For a few steps, he's holding my hand inside the pocket.

We get into the restaurant and are given a cozy little booth and the conversation keeps going. I hate to say I felt this way, but it seemed a little like we were living in some dark corner of society -- gay couples all around us, finished with the clubs for the night. Alternative lifestyling. It felt weird to be all collected in one space, apart from rest of the world. I know a lot of that is my own issue -- it's going to seem taboo and unsavory as long as I'm too embarrassed to own it. But still, being segregated that way might always feel a little weird.

When we're ready to go, Andy has to use the restroom but the line is long and he asks if he can use the one at my place -- the queue really is long, so coming up to my place is not a "line," or anyway it's not obviously a "line," and I agree because... well, it would have seemed really weird to refuse. I'm wondering if my Roomie is home though -- she doesn't know I like boys, he's being so flirty and doesn't know i'm a chicken shit who hasn't told people I like boys.. This could get tense.

Andy finds parking near my apartment, and we head for it... From the street, it's obvious the Roomie isn't home since the lights are out and there's no way she's asleep before three on a weekend. Sigh of relief. I let him in and show him to the restroom. The place is a bit of a mess -- I didn't expect to be bringing a dude home (all my roomie's fault, btw. Serious. I don't own anything except what's in my bedroom.) When he's done, I show him my Halloween costume, cause it had come up earlier (I'll have to post about Halloween next... month. Ha.) and then I handed him back his jacket and told him I had a fun night and that we'd have to do it again.

He moves in real close to grab the jacket, and of course we're going to hug or something, so I move in, too... but he just heads right for a kiss! I really didn't have time to react much, and I just let it happen. My first kiss from a boy, square on the lips. All very innocent, of course, but I was pretty much in shock anyway. He holds me there in front of him for a second and smiles and I smile right back, probably even blushing like an idiot -- or maybe not. I walk him to his car, cause I'm a gentleman...

When we get to his car, he pulls me back into him and plants another one. I kiss back a little -- and we're right on the corner of a busy street, too. I mean, it's 3 a.m., so it's not jumping by any means, but it's one of the area's main arteries and here I am kissing some dude. He gives me a little tongue and I let it happen for a second because, curious and all, and then I pour some cold water on him. "Alright, alright," I tell him and he backs away with a little groan. One final "goodnight," and I send him off and head back to my apartment.

Wow. I'm deep into shock by now. I just made out with some dude in public... I just had my first kiss and it was a total surprise. I always imagined I would be anticipating the first kiss all night long and then when it finally came I'd be ready to savor it -- but I didn't even know I was on a date until it was almost over! He was sure cute, though. I wouldn't say I'm really burning up for him, or that he's completely my type, but he was cute and we had a lot in common, so... it was cool.

Heh. Kid has no idea he just snuck onto the Wall of Fame of my life: "First Kiss (from a Boy)."

Epilogue

---

10 minutes after I got back to the apartment, my Roomie came home. Talk about a close call. I'm already in bed thinking about the night that had just finished, so I only heard her. The next morning, she asks whether I ever met up with those boys.

Me: Yeah, we went out for some drinks last night.

Roomie: Where did you go?

Me: [Gay Bar]

Roomie: YOU WENT TO [GAY BAR]!!!???

Me: Yes.

Roomie: ..... ARE THEY GAY!?

Me: Yes.

Roomie: THOSE BOYS ARE GAY!?

Me: Yes!

Roomie: I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE GAY!! And they took you to [Gay Bar]?

Me: Yeah, we had a lot of fun.

Roomie: Did you get hit on?

Me: I did indeed.

Roomie: Oh my God, they must have loved you there. (Imitating her imagined gays) "Fresh meat! Who is this new face, we've never seen this boy before."

Me: I'm sure there are a lot of new faces every week. It's a popular place.

Roomie: Yeah, but you're young... I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE AT [GAY BAR], JR!... I thought those were just two straight boys, I would have been a lot more interested if I knew they were gay.

Me: Well that's kinda discriminatory, isn't it?

Roomie: Dude, that boy with the cap was cute, you should tap that ass! (laughs)

Dang! I know this post is long -- I procrastinate and make little notes of things that happen which I should blog about... later. When later finally comes, this is what you get. Feel free to read in installments, cause if history has taught us anything, it's that I won't blog again for at least another month.

Whorl news

---

Remember that article a while back that discussed a number of curiosities researchers were seeing in the gay population as compared to heterosexuals -- stuff involving hair whorls and finger-lengths and other such business?

Well, over the past couple of weeks, I've noticed several interesting things about Hottie Assistant:

• He's left-handed (more common among gays)
  
• His index fingers are about the same length as, or maybe even slightly longer than his ring fingers (gay). I noticed this when we were riding in the back seat of our boss's car and he had his hand resting next to him on the seat. I asked him to stretch it out for me and he did. I smiled and said, "Thanks." He looks at his own hand, confused. "What were you looking at?"
• His whorl swings both ways: That is, if you're looking at him from behind (longingly), the right side of the whorl goes in the "straight" clockwise direction, while the left side goes the "gay" counter-clockwise route, meeting in the middle for debates concerning his libido. That hair is at least curious about dudes, dudes.
  

Just making innocent note of my observations. I know the boy is straight and has a girlfriend, and I'm actually getting over the crush -- not that I'd turn him down or don't think he's absolutely adorable anymore, but I'm coming down from the moon. Mostly, it's hilarious to me that he has all three two and a half of the major "Marks of The Gay" while I have zero.

Speaking of "Marks of the Gay"

---

I'm kinda wondering about Hottie Assistant's roommate. Not attracted to the guy at all, so the motivation here isn't based on that. And the "evidence" is equally as circumstantial as Hottie's whorl, but here's what I've got:

• He voiced interest in a new girl at work, but never made any kind of move beyond becoming her friend, and then readily gave up when some other dude came sniffing around. Come on! I find out a dude is straight, and still don't give up my crush so easy.
• He owns "gay" movies. Now, "Brokeback Mountain" doesn't mean anything to me -- any cinephile will own that movie. However, "But I'm a Cheerleader" is a little suspicious, no? That movie has no merits whatsoever, it's terrible! There was another one I spotted, but I don't remember what it is anymore.
• He has Anthony Callea on his iTunes. Again, come on! Where does an American boy find out about Anthony Callea if he doesn't read Towleroad?
• His best friend is a hot girl you'd expect him to be hooked up with. OK, that's pretty weak evidence, I admit -- most of his friends seem to be guys, but he is always stressing how she is his best friend. Hmm, really, that could mean that he's secretly carrying a torch for her and that's what explain the first point.
  

That's it. In all other respects, dude appears to be straight -- though we all know straight appearances are nothing more than appearances.

Getting to know a former crush or, "Is your boss gay?"

---

I dog-sat for my boss last week month, staying in his apartment downtown. Even though I don't like pets much, he was paying me extra and it was kind of like a mini-vacation, actually; letting me get away from my (sometimes annoying) roommate for a while and explore a new part of the city I wasn't so familiar with.

On top of that, a vendor we do business with had given my boss skybox tickets to the Kings game for that weekend, and since he was out of town he passed them to me. I'm not a big hockey fan but am always up for watching live sports in a big venue -- fun atmosphere and energy, regardless of whether you follow the particular teams playing, or even the sport, right? Well, finding someone to go with me was a BITCH. Three friends were busy -- which is fine -- but two other friends admitted to not having anything to do that night and when I offered the extra ticket they told me they don't watch hockey... What the fuck? It's FREE. It's skybox VIP, so there's going to be free food and drinks. People are going to be whooping and hollering and having a good time all around... Night out of the town, and you don't have to pay a thing! It's bound to be more fun that sitting home!! No? Oh yeah: I forgot about the hologram chamber in your den that lets you go on awesome western adventures, buddy... I'd stay home, too. Loser.

Finally, I remember another guy I can call -- Brian. He's a friend from college -- actually, yes, I had a crush on him for a while.

(I'm gonna pause here a minute for clarification. As much as this blog makes it seem, not ALL of my guy friends are former or current crushes, I swear. Case in point: the three guys I invited first -- never interested in them in that way, AT ALL. I can tell by the looks on your faces you're not going to be convinced... Let's just keep going and get this thing over with.)

Brian was actually my "rebound" crush when I was trying to get over David, and even though I have a talent for getting my crushes to become best friends with me, that never really happened with Brian. We became friends, sure, and we're still friends all these years later, but we don't share a lot. We've never had long conversations about nothing, the way good friends tend to. We've become closer out here in LA than we were in college, however; and I realized after I invited him that the game would be the first time we had ever hung out alone. Never once in college did we do that... must have been off my game those months.

He was actually real excited to go, and said he really enjoyed watching hockey. Sweet. I felt bad that he was one of my last calls -- picked even after some people I don't know as well. I guess part of it was the old crush and me worrying about being rejected by him -- even though the crush is over. Does that make sense? I don't know if it's true or not. Anyway, he looks really cute still and -- same as I thought with David -- I wondered how cool it'd be if this were a date. No chance as he is straight, but he was a nice placeholder in the fantasy for The Cute Boy Who's Out on a Date With You.

We find our skybox and there are already about six people in there -- several decked out in Kings gear, including a couple with their young son. Cool! I'll get to watch with actual fans. The fridge was stocked with Pepsi (not Coke, score!), water, and five different kinds of beer... The counters had all kinds of food for us -- buffalo wings, quesadillas, pasta, fruits -- it was a nice spread. Brian was impressed and told me the only thing that would have made it better was if the box had been filled with women. Erm.... sure, dude. "Hey! Shut up about chicks, man... you're suppose to be my pretend-date!"

We got to talk a lot during the game -- more than I think we ever had before -- he told me about some of his goals and projects and I talked about mine. I discovered he's a fan of a sci-fi, which I never knew... it makes him even cuter -- I mean, cooler! He was always a "minor crush," and I wonder about how much bigger a crush I would have had back in the day if we ever actually hung out like this. It could have been a much bigger heartbreak.

He asked me if there were a lot of good-looking girls working in my office, and I told him I hadn't really noticed. HA. You think that gives me away? No, I didn't actually say that -- "We only have one woman in our department and she has a son in high school," was my answer. "Are you on the prowl, dude," I asked, knowing he just broke up with his girlfriend of seven years. He tried to play it off as a sort of demographic survey about women in the workplace, but I pointed out his "good-looking" qualifier and he relented, "well, it's always nice if they're good-looking." Uh... I guess so, makes no difference to me. He asked if I was dating anyone.

After the game (and after he follows me into the bathroom, which always makes me nervous for some reason), we walk back to my boss's place. It's a sweet pad, and Brian is impressed... but as we're looking around, he asks very casually like it's no big deal:

Brian: Does he has a girlfriend... or a boyfriend?
Me: No, he's single.
Brian: Is he gay?
Me: No, he's straight. Why, does his apartment seem gay to you?
Brian: A little bit.

This is funny not only because of what I talked about in the last post, but also because women always tell him his place is such a guy-bachelor pad and needs a more feminine touch. He can't win. The apartment is a hodge-podge of stuff his ex-girlfriend picked out and stuff he filled in the blanks with after they broke up and he moved into this new place, so that explains the differing opinions.

I told Brian about my boss's alleged experimentation:

Brian: He's probably gay and just hiding it, then. Which is fine, he shouldn't hide it if he is. People should just be what they are.

Smile.

Of course, the fact is that my boss ISN'T hiding anything, which makes me believe he's straight and is secure enough to have been willing to try out a guy-on-guy kiss (or three, heh) -- probably just to say he did it.

Yeah, my friends are all really cool, I know. I should tell them.

Swing on by

---

I hoped I'd see Aggie Girl and Tall Boy while I was dog-sitting, thinking it could be a fun weekend if the two of them were free to show me downtown. At that first party, Aggie Girl went on about the great bars in the area and said she wanted to take me -- well, here I was! If only I could remember their dammed apartment number...

I actually saw Tall Boy from across the street outside the building, but couldn't get his attention before he went inside and I lost him and never got in touch with either of them the whole time. I told my boss this when I picked him up from the airport and he lets drop:

Boss: Oh, the swinger couple?
Me: Uh... I dunno. The ones who taught us that hip hop line dance... Are they swingers?
Boss: You're talking about [says their names], right?
Me: Yeah. They're swingers!?
Boss: I'm pretty sure, man.

He talked about how they had tried to "recruit" some of this friends in the building, and how Aggie Girl was always interested in the fact that he seemed to have lots of women stay over. Also, they met at an atheists group -- he allowed that that didn't really mean anything as far as them potentially being swingers was concerned, but wanted to submit it as an exhibit anyway.

The evidence all seems pretty circumstantial, granted, but it also explains the couple a little better if it's true. Like how she is so flirty in front of her fiancé -- I mentioned her flirting with me in the first post about them, convinced it was totally platonic... but maybe I assumed too easily. I mean, she was openly affection and physical -- nothing sexual, but still very flirty. Since her fiancé RIGHT THERE, I chucked out of hand the notion that she was trying to charm me in anything more than a friendly way. I worried a bit at the second party if Tall Boy was going to get jealous of the attention she was giving me, but he didn't seem to care. They don't do the "couple thing" at all when they're at these parties -- they split off and chat up everyone else. Hmmm... I dunno, but I guess it's possible.

Mr. Oblivious

---

My roommate and her best friend tell me the girl who lives downstairs wants me -- possibly in general, but at the very least when she's high. This claim is based only on their observations, mind you, and not on any sort of confession from said girl. Thankfully. Makes is all the easier for my to stay oblivious..

(Of course, if I just came out to my roommate, it wouldn't matter... Hey, put a sock in it, common sense!)

Roomie & Co. flew their theory for me a couple weeks ago, after Neighbor Girl came up for a visit -- she comes by maybe once or twice a month, though we all see each other around the building more frequently. She actually got us the apartment; showed us the place and vouched for us to the landlord cause she thought we seemed cooler than the other applicants -- she's sort of an on-site liaison for the building manager.

Anyway, she came by and I was in my room on the computer, so she knocks on the door and pokes in her head. Whatever gay porn I was looking at was minimized, and I gave her a hug and a "what's up!" She says she's here to give my roomie some music she had asked for and wanted to say "hi" to me as well. Cool. I follow her into the living room and hang out with the three girls.

The Neighbor starts telling us how she's just come back from a concert with her ex-boyfriend, whom she broke up with the day before. She's a little high, she also tells us. I had been feeling a little sick that week, so as everyone's talking I go lay down on this mattress we still had sitting on the floor from the guests the past weekend. After a few minutes, the Neighbor plops down on the mattress and lays beside me, practically on me. But she's still facing the other girls and talking to them.

OK, I admit that part of me kinda wondered if she was trying to get all up on me, but then I convinced myself I was being ridiculous. I mean, get over myself, right? Not every girl who lays with you on a mattress wants to fuck you, JR, dammit!. I didn't think much of it after that -- I tend not to obsess on whether chicks are making overtures unless it becomes blatant and uncomfortable.

When she left, I went back to my room to finish whatever I was doing in there (not porn, actually) and Roomie & Co. make it a point to call me and back into the living room to tell me, "Dude! [the Neighbor] wants you!!" They're all excited because our neighbor is pretty hot -- she reminds us all of Eliza Dushku -- so of course any straight guys would be happy to be told that she's picked up his scent.

I laughed and told them I didn't believe them, but they insisted that they're right and know better than me since they're girls and the ways of women aren't as mysterious to them as they so obviously are to me. They lay out all the things she did that convinces them she wants me -- not necessarily that she's going to pursue me or anything, but if I wanted to pursue her they're saying I may be successful.

It was unclear whether they were talking about a full-blown relationship or a fuck buddy situation... Obviously, it doesn't really matter.

Speaking of overtures from chicks...

---

I went to a going away party for a girl from work who was moving overseas. Super fun chick, so I'm sad to have seen her go, but that's the way the river flowed. Anyway, I was looking forward to the party because I knew she had gay friends and I was hoping maybe I'd get to chat one up again!

I show up and hour late and quickly found the Girl of Honor in the kitchen. I barely get out a "hello" before she's pulled away -- girl is being spread utra-thin, socially, and loving every minute of the attention! Lucky for me, I find another familiar face right away -- this guy who's an assistant at the other office (where Job Stealer used to work). I throw out my arm and he takes it and introduces himself. D'oh! "Dude, we already know each other... I'm [My Boss's] assistant." "Oh! That's right! Oops." Heh.

I SWORE this cat was gay from the first moment I met him. He's not super femme, but a little prissy and uptight, if you can make the distinction. Very manicured and put together -- button-up shirts always, and always tucked into his perfectly ironed slacks. Metrosexual in a nerdy, MBA way, and not butch at all. Not flamey, but like I said, gay-seeming. Well, after a couple minutes, I notice his friend-who's-a-girl keeps throwing her arm around his waist and is very-nearly leering at him. I introduce myself to her, but she tells me that we also already know each other -- she works at another company office. D'oh! Hahaha.

I go fishing and and ask whether they've "known each other" a long time or whether they met at work, and they tell they met in college, 9 years ago. She tells me in her best bawdy voice: "He got his job by sleeping with someone in the company." WOW... WOW. It's always disappointing when someone you just KNEW was gay turns out not to be, even if you're not remotely attracted to him. Not even the gay dudes are gay!!

Bah! I tour the party and look for guys I think might actually be gay, and end up on the balcony. The two girls already out there quickly invite me to stay -- one is an old friend of the Girl of Honor, and the other is just the friend's friend. We all are talking, and soon the friend of the friend and I are making up this ridiculous movie/country soundtrack-cross promotion for Hannah Montana about whaling. As we're going on, I spy a somewhat cute guy giving me the eye from across the way. Every time I glance up, we'd meet eyes. Sweet!

Sooner or later, my phone rings and it's my boss, who's on his way but can't find a place to park since he doesn't have a permit. I have a spare one -- since I live in the same zone -- so I leave the party to grab it for him. On the phone he mentioned that a friend was with him, but it wasn't Jeremy like I'd hoped. This friend was somewhat cute, but as soon as they're out of the car they're going on about MILFs they had seen earlier in the day... whatever.

Back in the party, boss heads straight for the keg. Of course. I'm standing near him, and suddenly Hannah Montana Chick is standing next to me. Uh... oh. I introduce her to my boss, and she jokes that we're "old friends" and throws her arm around me. I reciprocate in as non-flirty a way as I can, though that's pretty futile. What was I gonna do, shove her away?? My boss can't manage the keg, so she steps over the help him -- phew! Boss goes on about how he knows how to operate a keg, but this one must be broken, and soon enough he's getting flirty with her -- what a hound dog. Is this something I'd be pissed about if I were straight -- your so-called friend poaching your poon?? I dunno, all I felt was relief.

Temporary relief. After another minute of them exchanging flirty banter, she moves back and puts her arm around my waist -- while continuing the flirty banter with my boss! Didn't know what to make of things at all. She ends up getting called away by her friend, and my boss and his friend and I move outside with our beers. My boss gives me a raised eyebrow and tells me: "That chick is in love with you, dude!" I play both dumb and aloof, and the boss makes his eyebrows do a suggestive dance.

By now, we're standing where the cute boy who was giving me the eye is hanging and we all make our introductions. On closer inspection he's neither as cute as I initially thought from across the room or, I decide after a little conversation, my type -- he's a little femme and a lot vapid. To be fair, he also seemed to lose interest in me after we talked, so things ended in a draw. Well, we did exchange a couple more glances -- after all, he was a little cute! But I don't think either of us cared much for the other. Great.

Cue Hannah. She sidles up to me again but thankfully doesn't throw her arm around me. Semi-Cute Gay Boy tells her over and over that she looks like Helena Bonham Carter, and he's not completely wrong or completely right, but he keeps saying over and over how she "really does" look like the actress, and it becomes less true the more it's emphasized. I find out Hannah Montana's friend left but Hannah decided to stay. Shit. She doesn't know anyone else here, please tell me she didn't stay to hang out with me...

Anyway, blah blah blah. The party continues -- two really cute guys show up together: this tall football player-type hottie and a small skater boy-type cutie (who looked super young and who I found out later was 21). They're straight (of course) and just became roommates that afternoon. I chat up the skater boy cause he has an interesting story to tell me, and Hannah Montana ends up on the stoop nearby talking to someone else... I wonder whether she's trying to insinuate herself back into my group, but if she is she's not being super-aggressive about it.

Cut to me being ready to leave (Cause I'm sick this week and I wanted to get to bed). I tell my boss I'm leaving and head in to find the Girl of Honor. As I'm looking for her, Hannah Montana appears behind me and asks what's up. I tell her I'm about to leave and am looking for the Girl of Honor. She points me in the right direction and I thank her and head away. The Girl of Honor objects to my leaving, and so does Semi-Cute Gay Guy who's dancing nearby with this other really flamey guy, but I insist and give her a hug and wish her well. I'm gonna miss that crazy broad.

So I'm on my out the door when I'm stopped by Hannah Montana again. She asks if I'm really leaving and I confirm it. She's looking down at the floor and I can tell she's nervous and I suspect why and so I get nervous. I try to cut her off with a quick pat on the head and goodbye, but she's a quicker draw than I am:

Do you, uh... do you wanna have lunch with me sometime?

SHIT! Gotta give the girl props, I could tell she was nervous as hell asking... But I was stunned and didn't know how to react. I didn't want to embarrass her by saying I wasn't interested, and I especially didn't want to say WHY I wasn't interested with my Boss in the room... but I also didn't want to promise some girl a date I had no intention of keeping. But those seemed to be the options.

I tell her "sure," and then am quick to ask for her number so she doesn't get mine. I give her another hug, which is now so awkward she actually comments on how "weird" it felt or how "weird" I am... I don't remember. I feel like a louse and get out of there as quick as possible, hoping she's not going to be waiting around for my call. (And yeah, I appreciated the irony in the fact that I had been, since that very week, waiting for hear from Jeremy.)

The next Monday at the office, my boss teases me more about how in love with me that girl was. "What did she say to you, dude?" I hadn't wanted to say anything about being asked out, since even though it made me feel kinda studly, I didn't want to answer questions about why I wouldn't go. But he obviously saw her ask me something, so I was honest. "I guess she was kinda cute," he said... vaguely like he was giving me an out. And then, "dude, you should at least call her and tell her you're not interested."

Really? Would you really want to get that call? I disagree. True to form, my boss announces to the next room (Hottie Assistant and our dept. Supervisor) "JR's got a new girlfriend! JR, come tell them about your girlfriend!" Ugh. When I do end up in the next room a bit later, Hottie Assistant asks quite sincerely, "You have a new girlfriend?"

"No," is all I tell him.

Scoped out

---

I think maybe I was checked out by a dude, though I still feel like I'm probably inept. Boss and I went to a shoping complex to get something of his fixed/exchanged. When we go into the store there is a really cute boy standing there to greet us -- he looked like a 20-something version of Dylan McDermott sporting a blond buzz cut. Seriously, he looked pretty much exactly like that. So you'll understand why my eyes must have lit up when I saw him and I gave him a half-smile, which he half returned.

We go upstairs for service, and while we're waiting Dylan, Jr. comes up twice with customes, throwing glancing my way both times. We're upstairs for a half-hour or so and then go downstairs to pay for some more shit my boss had to get. Dylan swings by the register for a minute and I try not to look at him too much, since that's what I've trained myself to do in the closet.

He's back at the front door when we're ready to leave the store, however. And I decide to look him right in the eye as I walk out and give him a nod and a smile, and he again gives it back and tells us to have a nice day and come back. Then when we get a safe distance away from the store, I crane back for one more look at His Cuteness and he's turned half-around and looking back at me and smiles again.

(I've gone back twice in the past month, and he hasn't been working.)

Jeremy responds

---

Oh yeah! He finally responded to my Myspace comment -- but not the message. You'll remember the comment was me referencing the Texas-OU game and telling him to "wait until next year" since his team beat mine. Well, he commented back something like "lol... well, it's all about THIS YEAR" and "fun game, but hot as hell" since he was actually there. Phew! Not flirty at all, but at least I didn't totally scare him off.

I'm playing with a cool disinterest right now, and haven't responded back in the two weeks since. If something comes up and gives me an excuse to send a message, I will. Until then, I'm gonna chill.

Hmm... what else...

---

Oh, so my boss and department supervisor were chillin in the office one day the week before last or sometime, and the supervisor had just met some girl my boss knows and was going on about how incredibly hot she is. And my boss is agreeing enthusiastically, and saying how he wants a mutual friend to fix him up with this girl. And I'm sitting across the room and my boss goes, "Oh, I have a picture of her on my computer. Do you wanna see what she looks like, JR? I know you don't really care, but do you wanna see anyway?"

Of course, even if I'm not interested in boning her I'm still interested in what the fuss is about, so I jump up to check her out, but I notice that the supervisor gives me this look and I can't tell if something clicks or not. Remember, this is the guy who with his fiancée made joking demands at that last party that I tell them "what I like" in a date, so they could fix me up -- showing me pics of guys and girls as available options for me.

Again, probably closet paranoia, my boss could have been joking or just been noting the fact that I don't really get into bawdy talk and oogling with the other guys -- or he could be tactfully letting on that he suspects. Either way, I think the supervisor filed it away.

A boy thinks I'm cute

---

And another thing... My boss had lunch with one of his (apparently many) gay friends two weeks ago, and brought him back to the office to play "Guitar Hero" (yes, it's a fun office). Pretty cute guy -- I remembered seeing him on my boss's Myspace, but he surprised me by being so tall and broad-shouldered in person. I wouldn't say he was my type necessarily, but he was cute for sure.

I don't get to talk to him much cause they go straight to the video game, but I watch from the stands and make snide comments. When he leaves, he forgets his sunglasses and calls my boss to ask if they're around. I find them, and run down to the street to give them back. A little bit after I get back upstairs, my boss gets a text message, laughs and tells me:

"Les wants to know if you'll go out with him"

I'm kinda speechless, cause I'm not sure if this is a joke or a trap or another opportunity my boss is tactfully creating. Eventually, I just let out a laugh.

"Hey, I'm not the one asking, he is," boss says

What the guy actually texted was:

"Did I leave my shades in your office? Your assistant is cute."

Three stikes, not out

---

Btw, I was not able to tell my best buddy David that I am gay on either of his two subsquent visits to LA this past month.

Happy Halloween, peeps.